...At eight O'clock sharp Frank found himself standing before the sleep apnea clinic. He had a large tote bag on his shoulder, and a pillow in his hand. (Thus disregarding the Doctors "bring nothing" order) His socks were pulled up to the knees, regardless of the current fashions, and a wide brimmed hat - no doubt a relic from the unknown past - was pulled low over his brow. He rang the doorbell.
...The door opened immediately and Frank came face to face with a portly nurse. Evidently she was only being paid to open the front door because once inside another nurse took Frank by the elbow and steered him to the front desk. That nurse's sole profession was to direct people to the obvious plaque "CHECK IN HERE" after which she returned to her lookout post. Frank greeted a third nurse behind the desk with a weak smile.
..."This is where I check in right?"
..."Name please!" she barked.
..."Frank" said Frank.
... "Can you spell that please?"
..."F-R-A-N-K, rather unusual spelling I know, but my parents were determined, and well, I don't see how they could have chopped any more off of it and the name still be Frank" he apologized needlessly.
...The nurse was obviously not interested in his parents naming mistakes. She handed him a sticky name tag and pushed a button on her computer screen.
..."Ummm, is this all the registration required? I mean, don't I get a wrist band or something?" Frank inquired against his better judgement.
...The nurse levelled a stony eye at him and snapped " OF COURSE there's more registration! Do you want us to be responsible if you die? Here, sign these papers and sit over there." She shoved a stack of papers two inches thick with red font at Frank and gestured toward a corner with two recliners. Frank tried to pick up the loose stack while keeping his pillow off the floor. When that failed he tried the other hand - the one with the tote bag - and ended up dumping the papers all over the clinic floor.
..."I'll be right back" Frank muttered hurrying over to the seats and putting his stuff down. The nurse glared from across the room. Frank returned, got down on his hands and knees, and retrieved all the papers. The nurse was still glaring as he retreated to his corner, only to find that his chair had been occupied.
..."Uh sir - that is my seat - as you can see I put my stuff right next to it." He said politely.
...The man looked up and Frank noticed he had a dirty gold tooth.
..."What room are you staying in tonight?" he growled. Frank gulped.
..."Oh, uh, I see I've made a mistake. This is your seat, I'm going to take my stuff and go - somewhere else - staying? Oh, no, I'm not sure I will be..." Frank rattled as he nervously moved to a window sill.
...The cold window against his back made him shiver as he remembered his cousins warnings. He pulled a pen out of his pocket and filled in all 240 pages. Some of the questions were confusing. It was worse than New Years resolutions.
1. Have you ever had a heart transplant?
"Nope"
2. Have you ever had a liver failure?
"Nope"
16. Has your Grandpa ever had a liver failure?
"I don't really know..."
20. Do you eat three times a day?
"At least"
56. When was the last time you went to the bathroom?
"Uh, five minutes ago? Does this have anything to do with sleep apnea?"
100. How often do you exercise?
"Ummm, I climb the stairs to my apartment. Does that count?"
118. Have you ever had plastic surgery done?
"Once - my nose."
230. Do you have problems with dandruff?
"Is this really necessary?"
... Just when Frank was getting worried he might not have any personal secrets left he reached the last page. Scooping everything up he walked back to the desk and handed the papers in.
..."Good" the nurse said coldly "Go with her" she pointed at a fourth nurse.
...Are there no guys at this establishment? Frank wondered as he followed Nurse four.
..."Room 66" she announced briskly and left him to open the door and go in.
... Frank went in and saw a single bed with a single sheet and no pillow. "Good thing I brought my own" he muttered and laid that article on the bed. There was nothing left to do but crawl under the sheet and try to sleep; he wasn't about to change clothes in a strange environment.
...He was just going to sleep when the door burst open and the bright overhead lights flicked on. Two doctors with a whole passel of nurses pushing equipment trays bustled in.
..."We need to hook you up sir" a nurse said advancing with a handful of wires and gooey circular things. Frank pulled the sheet higher about his chin and shook his head.
..."Now, now, young man. The whole point of this visit is observation and most of it is observing patterns the naked eye cannot detect. " A doctor reassured him. "We will just plug you in, no needles involved, and leave you to your happy slumber."
...Frank's sheet was ripped off and the nurses began sticking the gooey wire attached disks wherever they saw skin. A few minutes later they drew off and observed their handiwork. The patient had wires coming off his forehead, chest, arms, hands, legs, and even one on each big toe! The second doctor snapped the elastic wrist of his poly skin gloves and grunted.
..."You missed a spot nurse" he said. The nurse blushed at her mistake . "Of course, how could I have forgotten?" She put a gooey disk on the tip of Frank's nose.
..."How am I supposed to sleep in all this?" Frank demanded. "I thought the point was to watch me sleep, if I can't do that how will you find the problem?"
...He didn't get an answer and the mob of medical professionals left him as rapidly as they had come. Frank laid back down and stared at the ceiling . His nose twitched violently and he began to sneeze.
